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A Girl's Perspective: OhNo. I've Been Dating a Self Proclaimed Nice Guy. Felt so gross when I got home I had to take a shower..
The thing is, as a woman, you really want to believe that there are genuinely caring, thoughtful men out there. So, when a man I didn't know friended me on Facebook (who also works in entertainment), and then offered to help me on project (just posting a recommendation request to his friends), in addition to sending me encouraging DM's, and finally asking me to dinner, since we live in the same town, I was really blown away. I just moved here, am dealing with a bad injury and definitely could use some real support.
I met up with him, and he took me indoor skydiving, as well as to a nice restaurant. Red flag one: he tried to cancel the restaurant after they said they had a twenty minute wait, and offered to get take out and bring me back to his place for 'movies.' I was like, dude, I just met you, let's remain in public, and since you asked me to dinner originally, let's just do that.
We go out to dinner, which I thought was a bit chintzy (a touristy part of town), but also charming, since what man takes a woman out to dinner anymore. I'll admit, we work in the same industry, so I was also hoping he would view me as a colleague as much as a 'date.' And, honestly, I was like, IS this a date?? It felt like a date, but again, I had JUST met him.
I thanked him at the end, and kissed him on the cheek. I'll admit, I felt pressured into making it a 'date,' and he insisted that wasn't his original plan. I really didn't know what else to make of those activities on a Saturday night, and he kept complimenting my looks, which I was like, sure, what the hell, let's just go for it and have fun.
It's been a couple weeks. He insists on trying to see me daily, which is kind of cute, but maybe alarming. In addition, after he offered to go to the store for me, he texted me, "I better get some cuddles." Our second date was at his house, where he wanted to hold hands... the third was him taking me to a terrible movie, where he touched my leg or held my hand (after offering to pay for everything), the entire time. Fifth 'date' was him coming over under the pretense of 'taking care of me,' which I desperately needed, dealing with a severe concussion. I finally had to pull away from the constant cuddling, which I felt obliged to participate in, since he had gone to the great lengths of simply bringing over some things I asked him to get me from the store (I paid him back immediately). I noticed immediately his wounded bird/rescuer dynamic, in addition to recognizing that he was doing nothing, yet again, to actually help me feel better of his own accord. Or really show genuine care or concern, aside from verbally telling me he's there for me.
In the mix of this, I was trying to buy a car. He insisted on offering to help, and touted his skills as a mechanic. I was super grateful, since I have a history of buying total lemons. So grateful, I bought him a hefty, expensive breakfast (he's a bit overweight). I then realized, while he accompanied me to buy the car, telling me the whole time how experienced he is with this process, he never once actually did a single thing to help me ... and I ended up with another lemon that's a bit of a death trap (seriously dangerous to drive down the highway), as well as without a title. Thanks nice guy! How nice of you!
He asked me to dinner tonight at his place (after texting me pictures of himself all day). I went, grateful someone offered to buy me dinner, but once again, wary of strings attached. He almost immediately wanted to go 'cuddle,' in his bed. I'm like, dude, I just met you... stop. Lots of kissing, snuggling, telling me how special I am. Once again, we don't know each other that well, so this level of intimacy just feels absurd.
Finally, I think he realizes I'm not going to him. I'm zero percent feeling it. He brings up, "I'm a nice guy. Nice guys always finish last. Assholes are the ones that end up with the girls."
I died. r/niceguys is one of the most redeeming, validating sites I've ever stumbled upon. I was like, "what do you mean finish? Is there a race that you're running? Isn't being 'nice,' the point, the end in itself?"
I told him, look dude, you're not that nice, for one thing. If you're buying me things with the hope or expectation that you can buy me, it's actually a huge turn off. Being 'nice' all the time is actually cowardly. Just be yourself. Be genuine. Maybe women like 'assholes,' because even if they are assholes, they're being authentic about it.